Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Holy Sweatpants, Batman!

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
~Jerry Seinfeld

Unless, my friends, those sweatpants were given to you by Jesus. The message you are sending to people then becomes, "I haven't given up. I can compete in normal society and I don't need fancy clothes to do so. Not only am I blessed by Jesus, but these giant sweatpants were also blessed... by Jesus.. and put on a rack.. just for me. I'm extremely happy, so I might as well be comfortable." 

Yes, I am the proud owner of a pair of sweatpants that Jesus Himself wants me to have. And it's all because I decided to brave a garage sale in the basement of a synagogue, and dared to accidentally bargain with a fellow worshipper of God; two things I very, very rarely do. But, this was a special occasion. If you are going to bargain at a garage sale, it might as well be with the good intention of loving thy neighbor, right? 

About a month ago, I decided to brave the biggest garage sale I've ever seen in search of a good deal. My friends and I spent hours searching through the sale for items of interest; a designer purse for $.50, something to store my garlic in, some scraps of fabric.. you know, the things you usually find at a garage sale. Before I knew it, my arms were overflowing with items, and I was about done. Then, I found the most glorious sweatpants hanging on a rack. Looking back on this, I could have sworn they were glowing. I picked them up and felt that, for the right price, I would take them. I proceeded to the cashier, placed my items on the table and said, "How much for the sweatpants?" 

We argued over pricing, I admitted that I really just didn't want or really need  the sweatpants; but if they were dirt cheap, I'd take 'em. This, my friends, is when I discovered that Jesus blesses sweatpants; or at least that's what one person thinks.  The volunteer assisting me at the check-out station assumed that I was poor and insisted on giving me the sweatpants. I tried to explain that wasn't the case, and the argument ended with, "We do not deprive people of the things they want and need at this garage sale. Jesus wants you to have these sweatpants." How do you argue with that?

So I left, with the sweatpants in hand, totally embarrassed by the whole transaction. They sat on the floor of my bedroom for quite some time that night; until the temptation to know what sweatpants blessed by Jesus looked like on, assuming they'd be a perfect fit. I put them on, and they were huge. Huge. Not only were they way too long, they were way too big. But, I wore them around the house, tripping everywhere I went because gosh darn it, Jesus wanted me to have them.

Granted, they are the most comfortable sweatpants I've ever been "blessed" with, I found myself completely trapped in bed the next morning. Literally could not get out of bed because the pant legs got caught in my sheets, and I couldn't get the pants off to untangle myself. Suppose my "Personal Safeness Tube" would have come in handy about then.....

I did eventually manage to get out of bed, take off the pants and throw them in the wash with hot water in an attempt to shrink them. They didn't shrink.

Needless to say, the lesson here is to be grateful for everything we are blessed with; even the things we haven't figured out what to do with quite yet.


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