Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Let's Talk Personal Safety... in a Tube

"Personal protective equipment is self-defense."
  ~Author Unknown

Dear Personal Safeness Tube Manufacturer,

So let me get this straight... you really, really think that someone can escape from danger using ONLY a face mask, a glow stick, a whistle, and a ketchup packet of water? I'm no Girl Scout, but I see several flaws in your "brilliant" plan.  Let's look at this step-by-step.

1. Keep this emergency kit at your desk.

Okay, clearly, you do not work in a corporate environment. I don't even know where my desk is... I'm running up and down 13 flights of stairs tracking down couture dresses that needed to be in New York yesterday, "calmly" trying to explain the difference between shades of hot pink that look exactly the same to me, and shipping button samples via FedEx to Asia. Because apparently, there aren't any buttons in Asia. So, the population of an entire region of the world is potentially unable to fasten their pants and you want me to send 8 buttons. Really? Are you sure 8 buttons will be enough? The only thing my desk is good for is to hold the lattes I'm supposed to bring to the 9am meeting. Shit.. it's noon. Where's the microwave?

If you really want to create an effective Personal Safeness Tube, the contents would include deodorant, a large ketchup packet filled with a "water-like substance" that smells like Christmas trees, and maybe something to fix my broken heel. I will give you credit for the glow stick.. might come in handy the next time someone locks me in the sample closet.

2. In case of an evacuation: Alert co-workers by yelling "Come with me!" and get out of the building as quickly as possible. Call for help once you're outside. Seek shelter from harsh weather and stay with others. Do not go back into the building until cleared by authorities.

Really?? You've got a skyscraper filled with overachieving alphas desperate for attention and you want all of us to shout "Come with me!"?!  Do you have any idea what chaos this will create?!  We'll be tackling each other for the Safety Captain hard hat and vest.. even if  "safety orange" trimmed with reflective tape is not fashion forward.  It'll be a blood bath and before you know it, the company's hottest designer will be mass producing "Personal Safety Wear" so that everyone can shout "Come with me!" At least then it won't matter what the difference is between "Hot Pink A" and "Hot Pink B." 

 3. Chemical release: Follow the directions of local officials

Okay, you're going have to be a little more specific. This is fashion. I open packages from all over the world; Mexico, India, Hong Kong, Sri Lanka, Ecuador, a few countries I have yet to find on the map; a "chemical release" could be anything. The packages are usually squishy and although they claim to contain clothing, they oftentimes arrive on my desk labeled "samples." See my point?!

Who are these "local officials" anyway? Are you saying that in case of a chemical release, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn from Project Runway will appear and demonstrate the proper use of the Personal Safeness Tube? Are we going to be judged on what we can design with the contents of the tube?

Maybe that's it.. I'd better start sketching now...


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